She plays really well on her own...this is a huge blessing right now since Emmy demands so much of our time.
The backyard is her little world.
A part of me cringes every time she tears a hole in her pants, loses her bow, or has sidewalk chalk all over her shirt. But deep down I know that the dirt is worth it and that I can find more clearance pants at Target.
Our stake has organized a soccer league for the Primary children. It's such a brilliant idea and has been so successful out here. Games/practices are on Thursday nights and Vegas weather allows for us to play into November even with games at 7:00. I have really enjoyed watching Jansen goof off play and chatting with the other moms.
All day I have been thinking of our precious little boy Noah. It has been one year.
It's been a busy day though...I haven't had much time to really sit down and think and pray and remember like I have wanted to. Our Emmy has been quite fussy lately, but words cannot express how we treasure her and are beyond blessed to have a beautiful baby in our home only a year after we lost Noah. I am cherishing her. Now that I do have a moment to reminisce I am remembering...
...how not many hours after I delivered Noah I had already received a sweet email from a sister in the ward with meals and babysitting all set up
...feeling the genuine love and concern of friends who were far away and were hurting with me
...the beautiful memory of the sun bursting through the clouds during Noah's service
...so many acts of kindness from so many people
...how close I felt to Noah throughout the whole pregnancy. I had mentioned to several people from the start that out of all my pregnancies, for some reason I felt the most spiritually connected to this baby.
...how we decided on the name Noah even though we had never even considered it for our boy. It means rest and comfort.
...how much we grew and learned in such a short period of time from this trial.
When we moved to Ohio we happened to live right next door to a wonderful woman named Karen who was a member of our church. She has blessed our lives from the first day we met her and continues to do so to this day. She goes to Noah's grave site periodically for us and she was there today and took this picture. That meant the world to me. It's hard to be so far away and not be able to go ourselves, but it warms my heart that someone cares enough to do it for us. She emailed me this picture today:
This post is more of a journal entry, since recording these things is important and valuable to me. Tonight being a parent is hard. Very hard. Natalie is in her room coughing...which means lots of waking up tonight from her. Jansen is just now calming down from an unprecedented tantrum/scream fest. Moments ago I heard him mutter, "I don't love her at all." He's talking about me...and although I KNOW he doesn't mean it, the stress of the night culminated and I burst into tears. Nate left with little Emmy who has shown us her fussy side the past few days. Hours of unsuccessfully trying to console her tonight got her shipped off the Lowe's with dad for a little bit (his idea). Dinner was some conglomeration of PB sandwiches, pizza, and other leftovers. Family Home Evening was a riot because it was just so crazy. Our opening song was three versions of songs about Natalie's favorite pretend dog Amigo.
I am spent and tired and wanting to fast forward a few months. But that's silly because life will always be hard.
I keep thinking of the phrase "I can do hard things"...a motto that was written on a plate Elaine S. Dalton had in her home. She said if she could change the motto it would read: “In the strengthof the Lord, I can do allthings.” I believe that. I believe I can do hard things. But I'm sure going to be praying a lot and needing the strength of the Lord. Really hard nights will pass. Even harder ones will come along. And surely sometime in my future there will be an evening spent on a beach sipping a smoothie and oh how I will appreciate it then!
Time to go to sleep. Well, sleep doesn't really exist around here right now. Time to try anyway.